Our Nomination for the Nation’s Number One Thief…..



The “Hey Abbot Award” for this week goes to David M. Stone, the boss of the United States Transportation Security Agency.


His agency is composed of the men and women who look through your bags at airports.  They also make elderly people take off their shoes. They especially check out colored people and people who look like Arabs.


If you have a certain mark on your ticket, they pull you out of line and really do a number on you.  The mark has been placed on the ticket by airline staff who thinks there is something suspicious about the passenger.


Most of this is just busy work.  Experienced professional terrorists know exactly how to get around all of this nonsense and when they are ready to do it, they will.  While David M. Stone runs this silliness, every single freight area in every single airport in the United States is easily accessible to anyone who walks in.


In addition, airports like La Guardia, Newark, and Kennedy which are administered by the Port Authority of New York/New Jersey are easy targets for freight highjackers who are just one step below terrorists.


David M. Stone’s look-at-your-panties employees have seized thousands and thousands of pocket knives, nail clippers, scissors and tools from boarding passengers who simply forgot not to take these items with them to the airport.


What has happened to all those items?


We suspect that they are all in David M. Stone’s garage and each Sunday, he has a sale so he can get rid of them.  This answer is as good as any, because if you ask the Transportation Security Administration what has happened to all the items, they will not tell you.  National Security prevents them from providing that information is what they will tell you.


The worst airport in the nation for robbing passengers appears to be the one at Oklahoma City in Oklahoma.  If they could, they would pry out the fillings from your teeth and melt them down for the silver content.


There is no point in complaining to that particular airport because whoever is the head of the Transportation Security Agency at that airport will not reveal his/her name so that you can just write a letter asking where your seized item is.


David M. Stone was a Rear Admiral in the United States Navy.  It is our suggestion that the Navy check to see if any of their ships are missing. 


If a ship is missing, it is probably in the garage of our “nomination for the number one thief” in the United States.